The summer I came to hate myself (Sugai Yuuka, BUBKA November 2017)

Bold is Yuuka

Even having cried and been hurt by countless troubles and worries, this captain still smiles and trusts in the future of Keyakizaka46.

The summer I came to hate myself

Although she had imagined it would be a trying summer, even the seriously hardworking captain couldn’t have anticipated how harsh it had become. The more she thought about what was right or what to do in order to open the way forward, the more she must have lost sight of the meaning of her own existence and become frustrated. But she couldn’t escape from this summer. What was she thinking as she fought onward?

Within the conflict:

When we decided to do a special feature reflecting on this summer, the first person we wanted to hear from was Captain Sugai Yuuka. From the viewpoint of the captain position, no beyond that, from her honest and straightforward personality, looking beyond Sugai and at the group Keyakizaka46 as a whole, it seemed like there wasn’t a single member that made it through this summer without being challenged and hurt in some way.

When the Makuhari live was over, it felt really empty, like the husk of a snake-skin left behind. That’s how concentrated our schedules were. Such a drastic change was difficult but now that we’ve switched over (to this slower pace), the country-wide tour feels like it was already a really long time ago.

Really it was only 3 weeks ago, but for it to feel like it was so long ago already would mean that it must have been really hectic for Keyakizaka46. But it’s really astounding that they did 11 performances in 6 cities during August on top of participating in countless summer festivals.

In the midst of being busy, it’s easy to say you’ll help each other out and cooperate, but when the real thing comes along, it’s actually a lot harder to do. Not being able to gather everyone together, we still pressed forward with every performance even with members who weren’t in the best condition. As expected, I really felt that it was very hard to get everyone motivated and going in the same direction.

Steadily, concert after concert, they all displayed their best performance so that the fans that came would be satisfied. For a pro, the awareness to achieve this would be a no-brainer, but in their reality, it didn’t really go that well.

In the middle of a concert, there were many times that I thought, “this live is something that everyone builds up together.” With that in mind, I thought about how to guide us but I wasn’t able to do that well so this tour really gave me a feeling of how powerless I was.

Not being able to bring everyone’s feelings together isn’t just the responsibility of the captain. Even so, Sugai was troubled by that.

Whenever someone told me something, the type of personality I have made me think that “maybe it’s my fault or I’m wrong.” Even if I’m thinking that something is correct, as soon as someone has a different opinion, I quickly reject my own. Because that’s the kind of personality I have, there have been countless times where I’ve held back my opinion and regretted it. Afterwards, I’d find many others who shared my opinion and wished that I had been more assertive in putting forth what I thought. From here on out, I want to trust in my own opinions so that I can become more assertive.

As captain, she told us about a challenge she faced when talking with members.

I thought about this during the tour but, it’s not good if I don’t know what everyone is thinking. So when there was time, I asked the members, “What do you want to do in Keyakizaka?” While listening to their answers, it’s not something I’d normally be aware of but, I thought that the fundamental basis of everyone’s dreams would be the same as mine. But instead, I found out that my thoughts were different from everyone else’s…… “Don’t be depressed,” I was told, but I ended up crying before the performance.

For the Keyakizaka46 of this summer, with their history and future in mind, the two days of August 16 and 17 at Nagoya must have been extraordinarily meaningful. Due to the Hirate Yurina’s absence, whether willing or not, each member was forced to consider what they brought to the group individually as well as what Keyakizaka46 meant to them as a whole. Sugai, as captain, was no exception.

There was lots of talk amongst the members. Like the others, I not only love Hirate-chan when she’s performing, but also her usual self. She’s always considerate of the other members and it’s to the point where it’s almost like we can’t believe that someone as amazing as her exists. That’s why we couldn’t imagine being without her. Because of that, in that situation, the more we thought about what our priorities should be the less sure we became.

But during this situation, I ended up spending some time in the same room as Yuipon (Kobayashi Yui) and we talked quite a bit. Up until that point we hadn’t really had much of a deep conversation, but I realized that we shared some common thoughts. “What Yuuka is thinking is the same as everyone else’s thoughts and feelings,” she told me, and that really helped me out.

While troubled by her relationship with the other members, it turns out that it was exactly one of those members that ended helping her out. There was actually also someone that wasn’t a member who really helped her out during the tour.

For this tour, we thought a lot about who we should have as MC. Each encore, I received some time to speak. I’m really thankful for that, but with this precious chance to voice my views I really wanted what I said to reach everyone’s hearts. Even so, I worried about whether what I was saying was too shallow or if it was really reflective of the feelings of all the other members. Being the captain, there are a lot of people who would take my opinions to be those of the entire group.

I worried about what I would do if I said something weird, something that didn’t match the opinions of others in the group and they disliked it, but then I read Nogizaka46’s Sakurai Reika’s interview and it really relieved me. It seems like Sakurai-san worried about the same things in the beginning; having the things I say and my opinions being construed as the group’s opinions amongst other things. During her interview, Sakurai-san said it’s precisely because of this reason that we should dare to speak about big aspirations. In order to get closer to those dreams, it’s fine if we just try our best moving forward. For an amazing captain like Sakurai-san to be worried about such things really struck me.

Sakurai Reika, in her capacities as both a senior and a captain, is the ultimate model and guide for Sugai.

Like Sakurai-san, I thought if I could speak about something enormous, no matter what my opinion on the matter, I would feel a lot more relaxed. That’s why I spoke about big dreams like, “Someday we’d like to perform at Fukuoka (Yahuoku!) Dome.” After reading Sakurai-san’s interview, I thought that I really needed to have a big dream.

Due to the influence of Captain Sakurai Reika’s unique style, she was able to take this chance to move forward.

Before this, during GirlsAward (Rakuten GirlsAward 2017 AUTUMN/WINTER), I got the chance to speak with Sakurai-san. At that time she advised me, “It’s not good if you try too hard to do things properly.” Sakurai-san also told me, “By relying on those who can voice their thoughts well, I can just focus on taking care of their mental state,” which had me thinking that I also have a limit to how much I can express my opinion to others, so because of that, I thought it would be good to find support from those who are good at voicing their thoughts and rely on them to help me out.

Because I’m an adult:

After speaking with Sugai about various things, the first thing I felt from her replies was that she, as someone who thinks about Keyakizaka46 day in and day out, was likely the person in the group who has the best understanding of and most clearly sees the group’s strengths and weaknesses.

When we performed “Silent Majority” for the first time in quite a while on Music Station, it reminded me of the first time we appeared on the show. Even though we had steeled ourselves in anticipation for this performance, we were still full of nervousness. But this time, we had performed “SaiMajo” in so many places and had been through all sorts of experiences, so there wasn’t much nervousness at all.

But at that time, people like Fuuchan (Saito Fuyuka) and Suzumoto (Miyu) were to lead the dance, so they wanted to have some time to reconfirm their choreography. Because it was something we had gotten used to, even though we weren’t able to make time to affirm the choreography, we were actually able to pull it together and improve it just before the performance. By not neglecting our long practice sessions and by being able to put forth our utmost at any time, this is the kind of group we want to be.

I don’t think there’s any question that Keyakizaka46 will continue to grow their strengths. On the other hand, the Captain is also able to see weaknesses that need to be worked on.

With the speed that we've been allowed to do various things over this year, amongst the gratitude for each live performance, there are times when I feel like I've lost myself within the weight of those experiences. That's really frightening.

However, with this shortcoming as the backside of their strength, they've come through this rookie year performing on a large stage and demonstrated that they have powerful performance ability, and to me, this is definitely one of their charms. Wasn't the visual manifestation of this realized at the very end of their last tour date during their performance of Fukyouwaon? I felt like that performance was the culmination of all their experiences thus far.

Changing topics a little, I tried asking, "Does Sugai-san feel like this summer's tour was a success?"

No... Compared to the lives we've had so far, I felt a minute sense of accomplishment, but I didn't really feel like there was a sense of accomplishment for this tour itself. That's probably because I personally don't feel like I succeeded...

But she tied those thoughts to some forward facing words.

However, for those fans who came to see us, if they left with a feeling of "That was a great live," then I feel like we could call that a success, and for them to feel this way would be what makes me the happiest. Carrying through this tour, I really felt the appreciation of the fans soak into me. Even out in the local areas, there were people who knew about Keyakizaka, and that's something I'm really grateful for so it really helped me out. When I'm up on stage, during those times when I'm thinking things are going terribly, the fans are watching over me with smiling faces and there are so many times that I think about how everyone could be so kind to us.

She spoke so deeply from her heart that even I was able to feel what she was feeling. Sugai also told me about this:

Also, I came to love "W-Keyakizaka no Uta" even more this tour. "W-Keyakizaka no Uta" was a moment when we got to look down and see all the fan’s faces. In order to get into the world of the other songs, we’d do things like stare at a single point in the distance, so often we wouldn’t really be able to see the fan’s faces well, but we’re able to take our time and look at everyone’s faces during "W-Keyakizaka no Uta" and every time, I felt like crying. That’s why I don’t want people to come to hate Keyakizaka. Rather, we’ll try our very best in order for people to love us more and more so that we can grow to become a Keyakizaka that supports everyone through each and every day.

From her ability to speak frankly about her feelings of gratefulness for the fans to the feeling of each and every movement she makes every day, she really conveys the sense that she’s the most “grown up” of the group. Aside from being the oldest at 21 years old, she radiates this maturity with her ability to calmly assess the group objectively and her way of finding the correct approach to guide the members in an ever improving direction. However, part of the charm and difficulty in understanding this group is because of the particular world outlook that they represent where “being an adult” is not necessarily correct. In regards to that, she nodded while laughing as she spoke about how that troubled her a bit.

That’s right. The song lyrics have influenced everyone quite a bit but, having already turned 21, I’m not sure how long I can keep saying things like “rebel against the adults” (laughs). I really love the lyrics and the world view we have and want to continue to represent that, but normally I’ll take a step back and think about everyone’s feelings, and if I feel like it’s gone a little too far, then I want to have the strength to hold back and restrain myself.

During the interview, while she seemed really reliable, the strength of her sense of responsibility as a captain also frightened me a little. As long as she is the captain, there is a sense of security that the group will be fine, but I’m also worried that she might be crushed from the heavy pressure of her position. However, to have been able to overcome this harsh summer, I thought there must have been something they did that healed them and propped them up, and so I inquired as to what that might have been for her.

The Full Metal Alchemist anime really helped unwind (laughs). From the first episode to the very last, I watched the entire 2003 version of it over the summer. I’d look forward to watching FMA on the evenings after the lives or when heading home on the bullet trains. It really propped me up, like the hero’s words “Stand up and walk, keep on moving forward.” Ahhh, I’ve got to keep pressing forward; it gave me the courage for that (laughs). Also, there was the food. The local ramen in the catering and being able to eat the beef tongue was something I really looked forward to. The curry at Niigata’s bus centre especially hit the spot for me. I had the B-class gourmet curry with Koshihikari rice. I was really moved by it, it was too delicious.

And, while talking with a smile on her face, she remembered something too important to forget, conjuring up an even bigger smile.

Also, my cat, Tom, really kept my spirits up. Returning home after I’ve been on tour is a huge relief after all, and having mom and Tom welcome me back as usual really helps me out. Having not been able to see him for a while, snuggling with Tom makes my tiredness vanish in a flash (laughs).

Tears and Smiles:

“This country-wide tour, there have been countless time that I came to hate myself,” was something that Sugai talked about during the last MC of the final concert. I’m sure there were more complications than we could even imagine. In regards to that, I had a difficult question to ask: “Was there was time during the summer tour when you wanted to quit being captain?”

To be honest, I did think about it. I feel like there are many members in Keyakizaka who place a lot of importance on dancing and performing, so I thought it would be best to rely on someone who is good at those things and there were moments when I would think, “That’s not me, is it?” Also, there’s a lot of people in Keyakizaka, so when we’re trying to gather everyone together, I try to confirm that everyone is there by counting, 1, 2, 3, 4… and while I’m counting, I forget things like what number I’ve counted to, or if I remembered to count myself (laughs). I really came to dislike myself for not even being able to do such a simple count properly. Even though I had long yearned to be called the Captain, at this rate, it felt like the title of Captain would become ornamental and meaningless…

However, in order not to crumble into uselessness, this strongly responsible Captain Sugai’s strength came from facing her own inability and giving her utmost effort to strive towards becoming an able Captain.

Whenever practical, I’d always be the last one to leave the dressing room as I dedicated my time to cleaning things up. Also, if I couldn’t talk to someone directly, I’d make sure to message them on LINE. Because I’m the captain, there are a lot of things that I’ve been allowed to do, so I need to be thankful when someone leaves a matter in my hands. Without running away from being Captain, I want to become someone who is worthy of the title; it’s something that I feel like I must do.

“Yuuka has said, ‘I’m not suitable to be Captain,’ but I don’t believe that at all,” is an opinion that we hear a lot from the other members. Fans and staff are probably of a similar opinion, and with her honest strength and kindness, she’s probably the most qualified out of all the members. Because Sugai is such a person, everyone is probably of the same mind in worrying that she’s taking too many of these troubles upon herself. In the midst of reminiscing about this summer’s events, these words popped out of Sugai’s mouth.

This is around the time when 4th year university students have finished job hunting, so everyone around me is enjoying a sort of summer vacation of life right now.

If you really think about it, on top of being Captain of Keyakizaka46, Sugai was also a 4th year university girl. When I thought about that, needless to say, I really felt the pain of the harsh days she had endured, and knowing full well that she had personally chosen this path with Keyakizaka46 herself, I felt at a loss for words.

When everyone was job hunting, there were times when it made me feel impatience and doubt. But now, having decided to continue down this path, I’ve prepared myself to stay with Keyakizaka permanently.

Within those wavering emotions, Sugai strengthened her resolve to continue down this path that she had chosen herself. That resolve is probably just as important of a quality for being a Captain as her kindness. From here, Sugai talked about her gratefulness for the Keyakizaka46 group as a whole.

If I hadn’t joined Keyakizaka, there would be a lot of things that I wouldn’t have learned. A lot of things that Keyakizaka has taught me are important for living everyday life. There are members from places like Nagasaki, Niigata, Hyogo and so many other places that if I hadn’t joined Keyakizaka, I definitely wouldn’t have met them. Having only people around me that I haven’t yet met has been really stimulating. It’s not just the members, but through the course of this work, I’ve been able to meet many people and learn a lot of different things. Ultimately, by continuing activities as Keyakizaka, I want to be able to grow as a person, and already I feel like I see things in a different light than from just before I joined the group. Above all else, I want to see Keyakizaka grow bigger as a group and try harder to become a more appealing group, and if I can even be of the slightest use to that end, I’ll endeavour to contribute to that strength.

Her love for Keyakizaka46 overflowing endlessly; the summer she came to hate herself. The thing that supported Sugai through to the end was probably her love for Keyakizaka46 after all.

In the past, I was told that, “When you’re the Captain, you have to love Keyakizaka more than anyone else,” but I’ve loved Keyakizaka from the beginning without even trying to. There are really so many types of members and personalities, and because of that, when we come together as one, we give rise to an amazing power that is Keyakizaka. It’s like a chemical reaction that goes “Bang!” and I really love that. Also, it’s been said that we’re the “idols that don’t smile,” but without being bound by that, everyone will smile when they want to smile, and after all, we want to smile when we’re having fun right? Having that freedom is something that I also really love.

They weren’t 100% satisfied with how the summer of 2017 went. But with this, we’ve come to know her love for Keyakizaka46, and thinking about how she answered our questions with her unending smile throughout the interview, this summer must have been not just trialing summer, but also truthfully a fun and fulfilling summer. To that smiling girl, I asked, “How many times did you cry this summer?”

Mmm, I don’t know (laughs). There were times when I’d return to my hotel room so frustrated that I would just cry in the bath, and also times that I cried before the performance. Ehh, I wonder, how many times did that happen?

As she said that, her expression was that of one who was reminiscing of the fun memories of summer. She was smiling after all.

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Translated by EiresReyva
QC by toomuchidea
Raw by 菅井友香应援会 from weibo