I Am Here (Kobayashi Yui BUBKA December 2017)

“I don’t want people to think that Keyaki is nothing without Hirate.”

Everyone was confused. Kobayashi Yui was lost.

And yet she still looks forward, because more than anyone, she has a noble pride and spirit that burns quietly.

Her voice may not reach everyone, but her performance should be able to reach.


That day, what was Kobayashi Yui fighting against?

Self hate

I heard from the other members that in the national tour this summer, Keyakizaka46 members were able to share their opinions with each other. This is just what I imagine, group wise maybe there were other several walls that cannot be overcome unless the members agreed with each other. How does Kobayashi-san see it?

Kobayashi:  “Keyaki girls have sensitive feelings, so there are a lot of times wherein one girl feels down, and when they are trying to help them they ended up feeling down as well. But, because we are supporting each other, when there is someone who doesn’t feel well we can cover for her, to be able to do something against your emotions, I feel like it tells us what it means to work hard as a pro”

You wrote a blog about the things you regretted during the tour, the things that didn’t go well during the tour, and the many points of reflection after the tour, is it still the same thing as what you said?

Kobayashi: “That’s right. Because there were times where I assume people are not enjoying our performances.”

But I think, Keyakizaka46 is, not in both good and bad meaning, a complex group. Everyone has their own individual personality, and that’s what makes it their strength, I wonder if it sometimes becomes your weakness as well.

Kobayashi: “Because there are many different kinds of people, various opinions will appear as well. But, I think that it was something good to have in the dressing room, but when we are on stage, everyone wants to face the same direction.”

I see. By yourself, what did you spent the most time thinking about this summer?

Kobayashi: “I was thinking that, because it’s a live that we showed to our fans, we have to think of a way that won’t make them regret watching our live.”

Sugai (Yuuka) as a captain is worried about a lot of things, and it seems like she oftenly consulted with you. During the tour, I was told that you shared a hotel room together and she was saved by you there, what did you talk with Sugai-san?

Kobayashi: “Yuuka has a lot of parts in the MC where she speaks to represent us, there was the time where she was worried about whether what she said is different from what everyone else is thinking about. I listened to it, and said, “That’s exactly the same, I am thankful that Yuuka can say what we can’t say. It’s okay to be confident and say what you want to say.”

So you give her the push on the back. Do you think you were able to give the audience a 100% performance through this tour?

Kobayashi: “There are times when I’m thinking about just trying to do my best, but overall there are times when I think about how did the MC go and about the various aspects of the performances”

And what made you think that the whole performance wasn’t a success?

Kobayashi: “Maybe because everyone is worried about Hirate (Yurina)’s physical condition, we are divided between those who are worried and unable to properly perform and those who think that, ‘No matter what happen we have to still do it’.... Because everyone feels worried that made it difficult for us to feel positive”

In the first place, what is the existence of Hirate Yurina for Keyakizaka46? What do you think about it, Kobayashi-san?

Kobayashi: “A huge existence. I think that everyone lost their confidence on their performance when Hirate disappeared, and that part makes her an irreplaceable existence… Personally, by thinking like that I feel like I’m putting a burden to Hirate and I don’t want that, I feel like we have to raise our levels.”

So she handles the hard part. I think that it is both the weakness and strength of the current Keyakizaka46 that the presence of one person alone can influence everyone. When you when you look at it that way, this is very special group, don’t you think?

Kobayashi: "I don’t know about the other groups’ pro consciousness, but I think that professionals are able to keep moving without being affected when a member isn’t on their place, but we are still dragged by that. When I think about that, I end up objectively thinking too much..."

How would you handle that kind of situation calmly?

Kobayashi: “There are times when I’m unable to understand what people feel, and how they look at things objectively. I hate that part of me.”

I think that both Sugai-san and Kobayashi-san are very mature. There are some members in Keyakizaka46 who has a gap between their physical age and mental age, but there are also those who aren’t. For example, there are a lot of lyrics in Keyakizaka46 songs that are rebellious against adults, but there is a gap between that image of the song and Sugai-san and Kobayashi-san’s image.

Kobayashi: “Fufufufu (laughs). But, when I think about what Silent Majority is trying to say, to be able to express the song in my performance, I need to grasp it with my heart, because it has the image of rebelling, when I’m not performing I was wondering if it’s okay like this.”

When I listened to what you had said, I feel like you are the most balanced person in the group. Because of that, I want to ask you about the good points of Keyakizaka46. Throughout this summer, did you find great parts of it?

Kobayashi: “I wonder… But by doing it and finding our weak points is a good thing to do, our consciousness also changed with each performance, so I think that it’s a good matter."

I see. I think there’s a consciousness of a pro inside Kobayashi-san already, and that was made visible in the performances of the tour. But, not everyone are the same as you. Do you feel the frustration?

Kobayashi: “Even if there is someone who can’t do it, if I can properly do it, the people around me will come along, so I have to trust them. That’s why I don’t want to hold back during our performances.”

Pride

Kobayashi-san is a noble person.

Kobayashi: “Fufufu (laughs)”

Do you think that you have a high pride about yourself?

Kobayashi: “Aah. Yes, I do. I hate feeling unable to do something.”

You seemed like a perfectionist.

Kobayashi: “Maybe I am.”

Do you like yourself?

Kobayashi: “Not at all. I don’t think that I disliked myself even before entering Keyaki, after I entered, I was able to see the various aspects of myself, and people told me about what kind of person I am. I think that I was able to see myself that I never knew before…. I wonder if I come to hate myself?”

Aside from Hirate-san, you also has a sense of pride inside you. I wonder if the feelings are as big as “Even if Hirate can’t do it, then I will.”

Kobayashi: “I don’t want fans to think that Keyaki is nothing without Hirate. But there are also people who think that it can’t be helped and that bothers me.”

Even if you say so, Keyakizaka46 is still in their 2nd year. So no wonder you are worrying about it. But how did you keep your strong consciousness without it getting blurred?

Kobayashi: “I don’t want our fans who could only come to our live once and think that ‘So it’s like this’; I want it to be something that left impression, I was doing it with the thought that I want it to be something good somehow.”

Then, Kobayashi-san’s love for the group is quite big?

Kobayashi “I wonder… But during the tour, it was quite shaken.”

Have you ever thought about, “I’ll just focus on doing my part well then.”

Kobayashi: “There was a time like that, there is a time where we said, ‘Let’s make a good live’ but when we are unable to, there are times when I think about ‘What should I do…’ ”

By the way, have you ever told your opinion to everyone else?

Kobayashi: “The truth is, this is the tour where I was unable to say something (bitter smile). Because I think that my opinion would be different from everyone, so I thought that it might be better if I don’t say anything at all.”

In Makuhari Messe, Imaizumi Yui returned. Because of her absence in the summer tour, “Yuichanzu” song cannot be performed. What do you think about that?

Kobayashi: “When Imaizumi goes into hiatus, there was also a time when I am against Yuichanzu performing the song with a guitar. The group activity may have continued, but my Yuichanzu aspect has been closed.”

And what makes you think that?

Kobayashi: “I wasn’t really good at it, and I want to be able to play it perfectly on stage, I don’t like showing the things that I’m not good at onstage.”

So when you refused it was because of you are having problem with your techniques?

Kobayashi: “Rather than that, I came to hate my own singing voice. When I listened to it, I thought about, ‘Why is my voice like this?’ ‘Why can’t I sing like this?’ ‘Why did I sing?’”

And at the same time, Imaizumi-san took a hiatus. Actually, from my point of view, I think that the two of Yuichanzu are two very contrasting people. Imaizumi-san is very naive, while Kobayashi-san is very calm. As a combination you two have a good balance, I think that what makes the fans like Yuichanzu. Do the two of you have a similar personality?

Kobayashi: “I think the way we want to do things properly on the stage are similar. I think that there are a lot of similar parts between the two of us, I think that we should talk a bit more about each other’s opinion.”

And what do you think about Imaizumi-san?

Kobayashi: “For me, personally, she is the kind of idol I want to become. Even though she does have so many troubles, she hides that part of her, she also wanted to do things perfectly, she also hates losing, there are parts that I think is amazing in terms of her performance, I really admire her.”

To hit emotions

I’m changing the topic of the conversation, but right now there is a boom where people are looking up at you, doesn’t it?

Kobayashi: “Fufufu (laughs)”

Ozeki (Rika)-san said “I wanted to be like Yuipon”, what do you think about that?

Kobayashi “It surprised me (laughs). But, I think that she’s fine the way she is.”

I think that Kobayashi-san is admired not just by members, but also from your junior at school.

Kobayashi: “There was my junior at school who said something like that. But, when I become an idol, I always have the goal ‘to become someone admired’, and I still think that I wanted to be someone like that.”

In the first place, what makes you want to be admired?

Kobayashi: “Personally, I used to admire a model and I wanted to be like her. So I think it will make me happy for someone to think the same way towards me.”

I don’t know if Kobayashi-san has the feeling of “I don’t want to change” but, what kind of person do you want to become?

Kobayashi: “Hmmmm. The truth is, I wanted to be someone popular in class but… It’s something impossible (laughs). Since I was in junior high school until now, I spent my daily life normally like now.”

But because there are people like Oda (Nana)-san, I think that you have become someone popular. It isn’t easy to be liked like that to that extent from someone within the same group.

Kobayashi: “Because Oda Nana and Ozeki has the funny and easy to tease image, I wonder if people admire them. I wanted to be someone like them, but I can’t really break the shell yet (bitter smile)."

Then, what part of yourself do you like? 

Kobayashi “I wonder what… I have lower tension than most people, so I like looking at people’s backs. It has always been like that (laughs)”

After listening to what you said, I wonder if Kobayashi-san is a person with guts. Not only calm, but you also have a strong heart, have you ever showed weakness?

Kobayashi: “I wonder… But, I always assume that there’s no choice but to do it.”

You have a strong sense of responsibility, don’t you? “I cannot do it because I don’t do it”, have you ever thought about “I’ll manage somehow”?

Kobayashi “Yes.”

And what makes you think that?

Kobayashi: “Because if I didn’t do it, there will be a part of me that would want to turn back time, so I think that I’m scared of that.”

It seems like stress will start piling up when you think that way (laughs)

Kobayashi: “It is (bitter smile)”

Right (laughs) And what did you do to solve that problem?

Kobayashi “I talked with my mom right away.”

It gives you relief when you talk about it. Perhaps, it also can be seen in your performance. I think that there are people who lets out their irritation and frustration in their performance, but I think that Kobayashi-san also did it during the tour.

Kobayashi “Yes, it may be. Keyaki has a lot of songs that hits emotions like this. Like ‘Fukyouwaon’ for example.”

Then if you say that, Keyakizaka46 as a group, is a place where people who feel discontentment and dissatisfaction gather, don’t you think?

Kobayashi “Fufufu (laughs). That’s right, it’d be great if we can show it through our performance.”

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Raw 南宫坂 @Weibo

Translator toomuchidea

QC Kennichi, 愛

Special thanks to Queenchima