Molting (Sugai Yuuka BRODY August 2018)

Last summer, she said “I came to hate myself.”. By making preparations, she performed a wonderfully splendid performance of “Fukyouwaon” that settled the past. 

The story of Keyakizaka46 that repeatedly face trials and overcoming it are just like a certain popular manga where humanity fights against giants. And the courage of the captain who continues to “molt”, will be a chance for a charge. 

I want to entrust the future of this group to Sugai Yuuka.

The truth behind the “Fukyouwaon” that sounded like a scream

Immediately after the end of 2nd birthday live, i talked to the editorial department saying “I want Sugai Yuuka to be the center of the next special issue for Keyakizaka46!”

Yuuka: Thank you very much!

That day Sugai-san was so cool words like “Brave” “Counterattack” and “Advance” popped inside my head.

Yuuka: No, it can’t be (laughs)

The preparedness you have to face the live that day was transmitted to us.

Yuuka: I was only doing what i should do. As the day of the live come closer, everyone are united with the goal of “Let’s make this live a success” and it has become a very good atmosphere. However, at the same time, i was being driven down. I have consciousness that “The future of Keyakizaka46 might be decided in this live” “It will become a big turning point for us”, i really felt my responsibility as a captain.

Why did you position it as a very important live?

Yuuka: It’s because it’s the first time Hirate-chan (Hirate Yurina), who was standing in the front as the symbol of Keyakizaka46, is not present. And the fact that we are performing for 3 days in that state, to say that i don’t feel anxious thinking about what will happen to us will be a lie. Still, for those who came to see, i want to send them home after seeing the passionate performance of Keyakizaka46 and such, we’ve been relying on Hirate-chan too much until now, i want us to show that “We can do it too”, i don’t want to disappoint them.

Personally, i think in last year’s activities, the Nagoya performance in the nationwide tour is the one that makes a big turning point. I heard about the stories from various members since last summer, but i think that that performance was very important in the sense that Keyakizaka46 faced the problem at hand.

Yuuka: I memorized that day, even now i still remember it well. The centerless Saimajo, in the middle of Moses (members are divided into right and left position where Hirate walked in the middle) where no one walks as we posed, it feels so empty, it’s frustrating and makes us feel miserable. That was the day we strongly feel “We can’t go on like this”

I think that during the 2nd year anniversary live there is also an internal theme of “We must overcome that day”.

Yuuka: At that time, when we have someone covering for Hirate-san’s center, do we really do that for Hirate-chan’s sake? Or should we fill it in for the audience’s sake? There was a lot of opinion, but we didn’t know which one is the most correct answer , and that what makes it hard to take a decision. Even if someone says “I’ll stand in center”, the performance of Keyakizaka46 song will go down unless everyone shares the same feelings. That time, each of our thinkings are all over the place, but this time we have time to properly think about it, and i think that this time each of us are managed to face the live with proper preparedness within each of ourselves.

In the live this time there is a big highlight of “In place of Hirate, who will center what kind of song?”, and in that Sugai-san is assigned as one of the most important song which is “Fukyouwaon”. In that sense, did you feel a lot of pressure?

Yuuka: When i heard for the first time from staffs that they want me to do that, i thought “Will this be okay?”. Because i couldn’t imagine myself dancing as the center of Fukyouwaon. Because of that i couldn’t give an answer right away, i talked about it with my mother and my sister , and the two of them pushed my back by saying “Don’t try to imitate Hirate-chan’s Fukyouwaon, why don’t you try showing Yuuka’s own Fukyouwaon?”, and it relieved me a bit. I am grateful with the environment that cheers on me, i also thought that if i ran away there won’t be any more chance where i could change myself, so i thought that i’ll try with a reckless load of efforts. I replied to the staff, “Please do.”

Between the image that “Keyakizaka46’s Center is Hirate Yurina”, Fukyouwaon is especially a song with a strong Hirate image. But Sugai-san has her own “Fukyouwaon”, and it was an impressive one too. What especially surprised me was Sugai-san’s scream like sound that i heard during the performance. What exactly was that?

Yuuka: That happened during the last day, right? That time, i was saying “Stop it!” (laughs). On the final day, everyone are already worn out, the live are still ongoing but we danced Fukyouwaon like we are burning all of our energy, we just danced it that much that time. And in the middle of that, everyone are encouraging each other. Then, during the the interlude before last “Boku wa yada” it seemed like someone said “Yuuka!”. But, in regard to the members who helped me out, and since that “Boku wa yada” was my last “Boku wa yada”, I said “stop it!” to that person’s voice as I tried to say “just let me alone!”.

I see, so that what happened. Also, when Sugai-san collapsed, the mic picked up the sound of that, it left quite an impression.

Yuuka: That time, Takahiro-sensei said “The falling part is dangerous”, so we did an ukemi (falling techniques) training properly.

After a thorough preparation, then you turned to the performance itself.

Yuuka: But of course, the anxiousness is still there. Especially in the first day. I was putting the headset on backstage, even that i couldn’t do correctly. Moreover, during the “Abanaikashi keikaku”, i accidentally bumped onto the member behind me during the choreography where we have to make a wave, and my headset slipped off. There is no good timing to attach the microphone, and in such uneasiness the song changed to Fukyouwaon. But, since there is no other way but to do it, i thought of performing it in my natural voice.

So in that huge venue, you screamed “Boku wa yada” in your natural voice?

Yuuka: At the time of “Boku wa yada”, the venue becomes quiet for a moment, so “If i shout will it reach?”. So for the first “Boku wa yada”, i screamed in a pretty loud voice, and the mic picked it up (laughs).

Certainly it was in a loud volume (laughs)

Yuuka: So there i was able to solve the problem.

Once the song began, you guys can only show off performance that blown out of your body, but i think that in fact what difficult is spending the time to Fukyouwaon. Considering that you are going to perform that song, i feel that you will be influenced by the other songs that are performed before that.

Yuuka: It was difficult to switch from “Kaze ni fukaretemo”. Especially that Kaze ni is a song that has “If you enjoy the present that’s good” kind of message. Also there are some time during the unit songs performance, so i watched video of Hirate-chan’s Fukyouwaon alone. Especially the MV and Makuhari (From summer tour 2017).

I heard of people watching videos until the last minutes before the actual start, but this is the first time i heard about someone watching the videos in the middle of a show. I guess you was really worried about it.

Yuuka: Because what the people think of it will matter. When i danced in front of members, i thought that they will say “As expected, something seems different”. The more i see it, the more i feel that Hirate-chan’s Fukyouwaon is too great. It’s not just about making the expression, because you can’t express something without the feelings, when i see Hirate-chan who transformed into a different person as the song progressed, in the middle of it my feeling become one of a fan (laughs). But i started thinking that it’s it’s impossible to imitate Hirate-chan, and in the last day i stopped watching the video. So that i don’t get caught up in it, i try not to think too much about it.

In fact, i think that the Fukyouwaon Sugai-san showed is comparable to Hirate-san’s Fukyouwaon, it was a wonderful Fukyouwaon. That “Boku wa yada” sounded like a heartfelt cry. What kind of emotions did you put into that cry?

Yuuka: At first, in this situation, in this live, becoming Center frightened me out, and yet we have to still go and do it, it becomes the “Boku wa yada” inside me. Up until now, I always hate myself that cannot do anything. But at the last, it becomes a “Boku no yada” to the people who criticize saying that “Keyakizaka46 is over”. Like, “Look at us now”.

I see.

Yuuka: It’s frustrating. When i realize, i was saying “Look at us!”

Eh? Did you actually said that?

Yuuka: Yes (laughs). Before the last “Discord”. I rarely show that side of me, so that was the timing when a passionate feeling that i didn’t knew existed blew out. It was unexpected for me, i was surprised too.

In this live, personally what touched me the most was the Sekai ni wa ai shika nai that was performed right after Fukyouwaon on the first day. At the lyric of “Yuudachi mo yosoku dekinai mirai mo kiraijanai”, when i look at the monitor, Sugai-san looked like you are about to cry. That left a deep impression.

Yuuka: Fukyouwaon is a song where emotions are difficult to control, you can’t really perform that unless you reject everything. From that point, my emotions become sensitive, and all the lyrics sticked into my heart. How do you say it? It’s me, but it’s also not me, it becomes a weird sensation. I become touched by every line of the lyric (laughs).

I think that this year was truly an unpredictable year. But it’s was really a beautiful sight, to see Sugai-san herself overcoming the situation while becoming linked with the lyric of the song. Because nobody would think that the 2nd year anniversary live will become like this one year ago.

Yuuka: I felt that too all time time. I really don’t know what will happen next year (laughs). But, i like this kind of Keyakizaka46, i think it’s interesting because you cannot predict it. The fans might worry about it, but i want them to accompany us at that time.

In the interview before, you said that you are troubled about how “I am older than the other members, so my feelings of rebelling against something is weak and i cannot get into the lyric of the song”, has you solved that problem?

Yuuka: Until now, there are a part of me who wondered like “Why is everyone could be pulled by the worldview of the lyric so much?” or “It’s okay not to be so affected by it”, but when i was allowed to center Fukyouwaon, when facing the song like this, i thought that i have to enter the worldview of the song, and i got pulled by it. Thinking about that, Hirate-chan who centered all the songs, her physical strength, her mind… There’s also a part of me that scared. That’s why Takahiro-sensei told me several times “Sugai, you better come back from Fukyouwaon”. Especially when i performed Fukyouwaon during a live, the me who should already have a stable mental now that i’m over 20 years old, when it ended i couldn’t stop crying because of the power and words possessed by this song.

As the fans said, it’s truly the “demon” song. Sugai-san also seemed to completely entered the world of the song.

Yuuka: But, it was hard. On the second part i have to hate everything about everyone, so i tried to keep my distance from everyone, but it was impossible. Because everyone will come to help me. So i tried to switch into a different “Boku wa yada”

I think that that kindness of yours is Sugai-san’s greatest charm.

The reason behind those tears, and precious thing she wants to protect

- Sugai-san’s words during MC left such impression on me. Especially the words “I won’t let Keyakizaka46 over” on the second day. At first glance, it feels like exaggerated words, however it feels quite true at portraying this group, I think it was a deep statement. What is your intention by making that statement?

Sugai: While we performed “Futari Sezon” during encore, I remembered everything during the music video shooting. When we did choreography of forming a tree, the MV director told us “You will never return to this time. Even in several years to come, remember everything happened today whenever you watch this “Sezon” MV”. At that time, honestly, I couldn’t understand at all. I was trying to feel that way, but I thought it was something I couldn’t understand until years later. However, after a year passed, we performed “Sezon” on the stage again after a long time, it made me kind of understood the feeling that I couldn’t understand during the MV shooting. In the end of “Sezon”, the tree disappeared. It will be really painful If that tree of memories will disappear someday. It somehow connected to the current Keyaki, that’s why every time I see their smile, I don’t really want a place that can make everyone smile to disappear like this, since I have a thought that it should not disappear, that statement came out spontaneously.

 - If we view the statement “I won’t let it end” from the opposite side, I think it showed there is a crisis situation “if it goes like this, we will be over”. Why did you think that way?

Sugai: Currently, we cannot be in complete form, many things happened beyond our expectation, even so everyday we are struggling to keep this group from collapsing, I have that kind of thought.

- Akimoto-sensei once said “Keyakizaka46 is unbalanced, everyone is different from each other”. I think you already heard it directly from him, can you be more positive after heard those words?

Sugai: Until now we wanted to have the same thought. But, after hearing his words “that difference is a good thing”, there is part of my heart that became a little bit lighter. In other hand, there is also mixed feeling “is it alright to be different?” (laugh). However, we had a goal to make our live success, even if we had different purpose and thought differently in that process, but at least if we had the same goal to make our live success in the end, I thought it might be alright to be different. Therefore, if we have goal to make more people know about Keyakizaka46, it’s okay to have members who working hard as model in order to reach that goal, if it can make people know about Keyakizaka46, I think it will be connected to everyone’s goal. Even though everyone has different goal, I think everyone does it to make Keyakizaka46 bigger.

- I see. Even so, Sugai-san’s words isn’t something came out from ordinary person, I can feel resolution of a captain from you.

SugaI: It might be an exaggeration… but I would die for Keyakizaka46. At the backstage before our live began, I even said “I don’t mind dying today!”. I think someone must have heard it for sure (laugh). Even if I died once the live ended, I would use everything I had so there would be no feeling of regret. Since I just graduated from the college, if there was something I could do for Keyakizaka46, I would exert myself in everything, I had such a thought in this live.

- Did you share that feeling and talk about it with someone?

Sugai: After we finished practicing “Fukyouwaon”, I still remained on the room together with Neru. At that time, Neru cried and said “You already made up your mind”, we patted each other back and said “Let’s do our best”.

- I think Hirate-san’s absence was a minus, but in other hand, I think everyone managed to make improvements with her absence. How do you think about that?

Sugai: I think these current members became more solid than before. Everyone already opened their eyes. We didn’t let our weakness to be exposed, we also talked to each other more frequent than before. I think this time everyone felt more anxious, a feeling of nervous we never felt before, however since it was a situation we never experienced, I think we were like comrades in arms.

- This is a live which everyone challenged themselves with that kind of feeling in mind, and at the night after you finished these all three-day concerts, you wrote a blog that said you couldn’t sleep, you just cried while looking at your cat’s face Tom, I can understand that feeling after hearing your story.

Sugai: Whenever I had many things in mind, Tom always saved me. I once cried when I practiced “Fukyouwaon” at home, I also looked at Tom’s face at that time, then I told myself “This is the last one” (laugh).

- It became your habit because it’s way too effective to comfort you (laugh).

Sugai: That’s right (laugh). Tom always accepts it, however I once thought to stop looking at Tom’s face until this live finished. Since it’s too effective, if it somehow eased my heart, I thought it would affect my “Fukyouwaon” performance. That’s why I didn’t want to see Tom until this live finished, I avoided him as much as possible.

- I never thought you forbade yourself from seeing Tom!

Sugai: After this live ended, I thought that I had done everything I could, so I played a lot with Tom that day. And then, the tears I endured all the time came out spontaneously. And strangely when I closed my eyes, I could see everyone’s face… I felt “Aah, I’m glad~”. After this live ended, I thought everyone might be glad being part of Keyakizaka46, it made me feel happy, my tears suddenly came out.

- After hearing your story, once again I thought the one who is best suited to be the captain of this group is indeed Sugai-san. If it’s not the kindest person, she can’t be captain of Keyakizaka46, if it’s not that kind of person, I think this group can’t move forward. You wrote something like “I want to protect this precious thing” on your blog, and from your story just now, that “precious thing” must be something precious for members.

Sugai: That’s right. I want to protect this place. If Keyakizaka46 didn’t exist, we couldn’t do these kind of activities, that’s why I don’t want it to disappear. Also, I have to protect this place for the sake of Hirate-chan and Manaka who didn’t participate on this live.

It’s not supposed to be like this, it will be more amazing if everyone is present

- Summer is coming this year as well.

Sugai: This summer, we want to be a strong group in terms of we can keep us on our own feet in any condition. This year, Aoi-chan is also absent, of course I think it would be the best thing if all members are present, but it’s not happening. Up until now, there is part of us that doing activities with “Keyakizaka46 with 21 members” in mind, and when everyone were not present, there was moment when we couldn’t do things well, but this year I think we need the power to compensate it. I think filling up the holes left by the absent members is not a bad thing.

- Why are you really concerned with “21 members” thing?

Sugai: This may apply to any group, the role of every single member is important. TAKAHIRO-sensei also created such meaningful choreography for every member, so I think it would be different despite only one member is absent.

-So the reason is performing with 21 members is the best thing to do in order to keep the quality of your performance, isn’t it?

Sugai: That’s right, it’s really fun and comfortable being together with 21 members after all. Well, I always hope for that, I want to do anything with 21 members. Since we always did anything together, for now I can’t imagine someone leaving this group, even though everyone will graduate someday.

- It’s understandable if it’s 5-member group. Going from 5 members to 4 is really different with going from 21 members to 20. But, for a group with so many members like Keyakizaka46, I think it’s really unique how you’re really concerned with “everyone gathers” to this extent.

Sugai: Before I became an idol, I thought idol is something tense, there must be someone with nasty personality who cause troubles to others, but there isn’t member like that in Keyakizaka46. That’s why we can have such a close relationship. Even though everyone has different attitude, it’s really comfortable being together with them.

- I think there is someone out there who admire the current Keyakizaka46 just like Sugai-san became an idol because you admire AKB48 Group and Nogizaka46. How do you think about that?

Sugai: I’m happy there is someone who want to be idol after watching Keyakizaka46. Whenever I hear something like “After listening to Keyakizaka46’s song, I feel like I can go to school“ at handshake event, it feels like we’re involved in someone else’s life without even realizing it, it’s really weird we can be power to someone else, I hope I can challenge many more things as an idol.

- I think the current Keyakizaka46 has reached point where you have to go up one level higher on this battleground. And I think the one who possess that consciousness stronger than anyone is Hirate-san who is already fighting on the outside world.

Sugai: It’s true. I feel that Hirate-chan is always one step ahead. For example, when we discussed about performance for our live, she always said clearly what she wanted to do.

- I think she is now fighting on the outside world because she is more aware than before that she is a representative of the idol world. Do you have such consciousness too?

Sugai: For example, “ROCK IN JAPAN FESTIVAL” is a place where people who love rock gathered. Even at such a place, there is a lot of people who came to our stage, it really made us confident.

- In that sense, I feel that the next theme of Keyakizaka46 is “attack”. I think it’s necessary to have resolution  to get over the wall of the current idol world and begin to strike to the wider world. I think it’s possible for the current you.

Sugai: That may be right. On this live, we said “We’re different from before”, it could also be considered as statement for people who worried about us during last summer. We wanted to tell them that we’re stronger than before. We said it with a meaning “We’re moving forward”.

- I see.

Sugai: We also performed “Silent Majority” with that kind of feeling. It’s like saying “We already set that aside”. Though it’s like we got too carried away (laugh). At that time, we became a new self that different from the past, perhaps there are people who prefer the previous Keyakizaka46, but since we’re able to move forward, no matter what people say we’re still moving forward, we have such a strong feeling.

- You said you’re moving forward, so now it’s the time to “attack” after all.

Sugai: I’m happy. But, lately I lost my confidence… no, I can’t say something like that (laugh).

- No no, please tell me about your true feeling (laugh).

Sugai: I still have a feeling that we’re not supposed to be like this. This time everyone is not present, but I feel that it will be more amazing once we are complete. Honestly I’m really happy this live was a success, but I’m still thinking that it’s not supposed to be like this.

- Isn’t it okay to think that way? It’s like saying that this is not your limit, I think it’s a positive reason.

Sugai: Is that so? Also, I think that now it’s the time to improve my strength. After the live ended, I thought about what I want to do in the future, I think it’s time to think about where I want to walk to from now on as individual.

- I’m going to ask again, from your view, what is the most standout characteristic of Keyakizaka46?

Sugai: Perhaps its fragility. It seems to easily break down. How I put it into words… it’s weird. I summed it up into one word “weird” though (laugh). I myself can’t even predict it, but I like everyone, I also like every song, it may be really weird to say it by myself, but I think this is a group where miraculous things gathered and coincidence came one after another.

- Do you have ultimate goal or very long term vision for this group?

Sugai: It’s a vague goal though, I want this group to be much bigger. When I was chosen as captain, I said that “I want this group to be a group that everyone can shine”, I want more people to say “That’s someone from Keyakizaka46” wherever we go, event at places other than our live I want people being able to feel our presence, I want this group to be a group that being able to get close to everyone. When I realized, it’s already our third year, we felt impatient with the existence of Hiragana Keyaki that established as new group, once again I think Nogizaka46-san is really amazing… I always feel that way, I think there is a lot of things we are still lacking of. However, we want to convey the perspective of our song even if it’s done by whipping our hair, we want to cherish the lyric of our songs, so we want to keep cherishing such feelings.

- So, this summer is the beginning. I’m really looking forward to it!

Sugai: I will do my best!

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Raw: toomuchidea

Translation: toomuchidea & hunter934